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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Did he ever get the joke?

On being a practical joker :

It drives some guys crazy, but I love it. One of my favorites was sneaking up on my teammate Awvee Storey. He has a bad attitude, and I just have to try and get him to smile. One day he was on the toilet reading the paper, and I snuck in with a water hose, turned it on him and sprayed him for, like, three minutes. He had all his clothes on, and he got soaked. It was hilarious. But for some reason he still wasn't laughing.

Gilbert Arenas, Washington Wizards shooting guard, on enjoying playing practical jokes.

SOURCE: Sports Illustrated Web site, SI.COM,
"First Person: Gilbert Arenas", April 24, 2006

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Quotes that make me cringe on the golf course

Quotes that make me cringe on the golf course
Wednesday August 23, 2006 08:27:11 am 452 words, 183 views

Here are some quotes that make me cringe on the golf course:

I picked up my head - (It doesn't happen).

You need to swing slow to hit the ball far (OK, then why does Tiger Woods hit the ball farther than you - because he swings slower?).

The follow-through makes the ball go up in the air (What happens after the ball is gone doesn't affect how you hit the golf ball?).

I'm trying to lag this putt close within 3 feet of the hole (Why don't you try to get it a foot past the hole so that it has a chance to go in).

You have to get worse before you get better (Imagine if a car driving Instructor said this to you – would still take lessons from him or her).

Which way is the grain going (Sorry Johnny Miller - The grass on a normal green is so short that grain has virtually zero affect on the golf ball).

These are the most inconsistent greens I've ever seen (It's not the greens - it's the golfer putting the ball that's inconsistent who then uses the grain excuse because you heard Johnny Miller say it).

My problem is that I have a baseball swing (If you have a good baseball swing - you have a good golf swing also or if you have bad golf swing – you probably also had a bad baseball swing).
I need some time to get used to this new Driver (If you need time to get used to it - you bought the wrong Driver).

Are you a swinger or a hitter of the golf ball (Who cares? A good ball-striker is a good ball-striker).

I need to see myself swing on video (Video doesn't improve scores - it just improves the cash in the Instructors wallet that says you need to use video).

You need to sweep your fairway wood (Sweepers are Weepers – the same attributes that makes a ball go up with your irons applies to your fairway woods).

I've been working on my grip (Your grip is alright. Leave it alone and work on impact).

This is the worst golf I've ever played (How many times can you play the worst you ever played?).

The pro was trying to get me to come more from the inside (Don't try to come from the inside, don't try to come from the outside, don't try to come straight down the line - just swing using everything together and good things will happen as opposed to trying to manipulate the club to the inside).

I signed up for six 30-minute lessons (How much are you going to accomplish in 30 minutes?)

Marc Solomon – Your Instructor For Life Golf Made Simple Inc.

Humorous Tennis Quotes - Tennis X 2006

"No one is friends with Hewitt and he does not worry me at all."
-- David Nalbandian on Lleyton Hewitt and the Argentina vs. Australia
Davis Cup tie.

"Hewitt seems to think that he's come to Iraq. But we're not bothered
because this is the circus that he wanted to set up. Nothing's going to
happen and we shouldn't pay any attention to it."
-- Jose Acasuso on Lleyton Hewitt coming to Argentina for the Davis Cup

"He told me he got pelted with coins and the umpire had to stop the match
at one stage. We are expecting the worst and if that doesn't happen, well,
that's a bonus."
-- Wayne Arthurs speaking to on Dominik Hrbaty reminiscing on the
Slovak Republic's Davis Cup victory over Argentina in Buenos Aires in 1998
in the fifth rubber. Australia will travel to Argentina for the 2006

"I just won a Grand Slam. The last thing I'm going to talk about is some
fingers or a banana, alright? I hope you got that one, thanks."
-- The cheating Maria Sharapova when asked about being coached with
signals from the stands by Michael Joyce during the US Open final.

"Better not say anything about that because if I do, I know I'm gonna get
slighted. I'm really disappointed there's not more English people in it
-- Andy Murray speaking to the media at the US Open on three Scottish
players being named to the British Davis Cup team.

"I feel like I'm helping out Andy, because Andy has dealt with it on his
own for a while now. I'm proud to be helping him. I'm proud that we're
doing this together. We're both in the quarters now. He's playing great
tennis again. I'm really happy to see that. He played unbelievable in
Cincinnati. I thought he played great in Indianapolis.And I had to play
possibly my best match ever to beat him in the finals. I'm happy to see
him doing great. We're both playing pretty darn well going into Moscow.
I'm looking forward to us teaming up together instead of playing against
each other."
-- James Blake on being in the Top 10 with Andy Roddick at the US Open,
leading up to the Davis Cup semifinal at Russia.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

300 Pounds of Attitude

Below is an extract from the chapter on NFL Scouting in the 2006 publication
300 Pounds of Attitude by Jonathan Rand.

"We try to draw pictures for our coaches," explains Chuck Cook, Kansas
City director of college scouting. "You try to have a sense of humor and it
comes on draft day."


  • Looks like Tarzan, plays like Jane.
  • So skinny, he has to jump around in the shower to get wet.
  • Has such a bad body, he's like a walking water bed.
  • So fat he takes two loads to haul ass.
  • So small he could run under a table at full speed.


  • Can run the minute in 58 seconds.
  • So quick he can spit on lightning.
  • Quicker than a hiccup.
  • He's like trying to catch a minnow in Lake Michigan
  • So quick you couldn't hit him with a handful of rocks.
  • So clumsy in space, he's like a cow on ice.

SOURCE: 300 Pounds of Attitude by Jonathan Rand,
The Lyons Press, 2006
ISBN-13: 978-1-59228-995
ISBN-10: 1-59228-995-9

Chapter 57, Looks Like Tarzan, Plays Like Jane:


Funny Sports Quotes sample:

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Rumble, young man, rumble!

Heavyweight Champion Muhammad Ali (Cassius Clay) Corner man Bundini Brown

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